Maybe Marti Knows?? — Week 8: Should I Stay or Should I go?
Marti,
This is probably the most complicated question you could get. But complicated is good, so here we go.
I was married 6 years ago…to who I thought was the love of my life. We met in a bar, started dating like teenagers (I was 21 and he was 26) and had the best year of our lives before getting married. We traveled around the US, went on so many dates and I truly thought I was marrying the man of my dreams. Fast forward — 6 years later, we have a beautiful, smart, incredible 3 year old son, we bought a beautiful house, we both have good jobs… but our love is gone. And if I’m being honest, it left a long time ago. The last 2 years have been like living with my best friend, my brother… but our passion is gone. And it’s heartbreaking.
A year ago we decided to take a break and spend some time on our own. I took dancing classes, I got a new job… and also met someone. That someone was just my friend, until he wasn’t. And since 3 months ago we have been dating in a romantic way… we *think* have fallen for each other — and hey, he knows what he is getting into… but it is still so hard for me to get the idea out of my head that my husband won’t be my forever love..
Should I take a chance and try to be truly happy or should I keep trying over and over in the hope that we’ll work it out?
Sincerely ,
The Forever Lover
Dear Forever Lover,
A few months ago I had a long conversation with one of my closest friends about divorce. It was something we’d never really talked about, probably since we both have parents who have been married forever, and neither of us are particularly close to getting married ourselves.
But while we’d never discussed it, I assumed we were on the same page. We’re both independent people, both solitary and career-minded and comfortable being alone. We often joke about starting a commune somewhere in the backwoods, where men aren’t allowed but there’s a lot of cats and dogs and books and sunsets and wine-filled bathtubs. So it took me by surprise when she said she didn’t think she could ever get divorced, no matter how bad her marriage was.
I asked a lot of follow-ups. What if there’s infidelity? What if he hurts you? What if you fall out of love and can’t find your way back? Her answer stayed the same, that no matter how bad it got, she was going to stick around until one of them died. It was too embarrassing, she said. Too shameful to have failed at something so big.
I was shocked. I’m still shocked. Partially because of her suredness at something so far off and uncertain, but mostly because I’ve never looked at divorced as failure.
To be fair, I count very few things as true failures. Failure is too final of a word for me. It implies that you’ve run out of chances, that it’s all over and done and you messed it all up forever. But nothing is forever, no failure and no feeling.
We make mistakes, we change our minds, we fall and bleed and cry and scream, but then we get back up. We start over, or pick up where we left off. We look at where we are and where we want to go, and we make adjustments. It’s all a lot of ups and downs and twists and turns and oftentimes the things you thought were failures turn out to be the moments when everything started going right.
I’ve never been married, so in terms of offering you specific advice based on my own life, I have nothing. I can’t know the true weight of the decision you’re facing or the impact it will have on your future, and I can’t pretend to. I’m 23 and stupid about a lot of things, and divorce and marriage are out of my realm of expertise.
But if you’re writing me, if you’ve spent a year apart, and if you’re able to fall for someone new, I think you already know in your heart what you want to do.
I think you’re brave, I think you’re strong, and I think you’re a good and loving mom; I also think that you deserve to be happy.
Sometimes marriages run out of love, it’s sad and it’s hard, but it happens. People grow up and grow apart and no matter how tightly you hold on, you can’t always make it okay again.
The important thing to remember is that you’re not giving up, you’re giving yourself permission to change your mind. Too often we hold onto things and people because we think to let them go means we’ve let them down. But sometimes letting go is the best thing we can do, for them and for ourselves.
I hope you give yourself permission to be happy, that you’re kind and patient with yourself no matter what you decide, and that you’ll always remember that you deserve love that makes your heart swell and your toes curl.
Marti
Want to ask Marti a question? She’d LOVE to hear from you! Drop her a line at MaybeMartiKnows@gmail.com and your question could be featured! New column every Thursday, identities always anonymous ❤
