Maybe Marti Knows?? — Week 1: Girls, Girls, Girls
Hi Marti,
I met this, girl, we’ll call her Georgia, about two years ago when she was visiting my roommate at the time. The connection was instant, but we decided to hold off because we were both seeing people at the time, and she lived across the country. We kept in touch for a year, and then she moved here.
It took a minute, but we finally started dating after all of our messes from the past were cleaned up. I told her I loved her, she told me she loves me, and it was all hunky dory until the other week when she said that she loved me, but didn’t want to be in a relationship.
I totally understood, and agreed, that since she just moved here, she needed some time to herself to figure out Seattle. It’s hard to move to a big city.
However, she still wants to have sex and hang out. I find myself doing boyfriend type things, like paying for dinner and massages and what not, but I’m not her boyfriend…I am also dating other people, but I really want to be with her…I know she still loves me. Maybe she just needs a little time to bake before she feels ready?
Should I just cut my losses? I’m a hopeless romantic, which makes this hard…especially since our connection is super real.
Thanks Marti!
Signed, Girls, Girls, Girls
Dear Girls, Girls, Girls,
Everyone loves, and receives love differently. There isn’t necessarily a wrong or right way to go about it. No one wins by being aloof or loses by being too mushy, it’s just a matter of finding the right partner who lines up with who you already are, accepts what you need, and allows you room and encouragement to grow into who it is you’re going to be.
I have friends who want nothing more than to date casually. They love the freedom and whimsy of not knowing who they’re going to kiss at the end of the night. I have friends who are married, as locked down and in love as humanly possible. I have friends who are dating their partners with the knowledge that it probably won’t last past the summer, passing the time without ever offering their hearts up for loving or shattering. I have friends so desperate and longing for love they throw their hearts like kindling into every fire before them, burning their marshmallows and choking on smoke in hopes that they’ll be warm through the winter. And then I have friends who have given it all up, thrown their hands in the air and declared that it will never happen, not for them, so why pretend any longer?
None of them are wrong, they’re all doing the best they can with what they’ve been given and what they’ve gone through, setting their limits and then adjusting them after every new heartbreak or breakthrough.
Georgia loves you, and you love her, and that’s amazing and wonderful and something that people spend their whole gosh darn lives looking for.
The fact that you stayed in contact for a year before being in the same city, and that you held off on beginning something before you were both steady and free, tells me that you’re both kind, serious people with a lot of love to give.
The problem, as I see it, isn’t a lack of love or caring on either side, it’s a lack of common ground. You want a relationship. She doesn’t. You love her, she loves you, but you want to express that love in different terms, you’re looking for different things, you’re doing the best you can.
She was honest with you about what she needs and that takes courage. She saw where things were headed and hit the breaks because she felt uncomfortable, and you respected that and didn’t try to change her mind.
But now you’re left with all these feelings and it hurts so bad, because it was real and important and could have been something substantial if only x y or z were different.
The best thing you can do for yourself is take a step back and figure out what you want and need right now.
If you want Georgia, if you want to be with her more than you want to just be in a relationship, and know that waiting for her to be ready (if she’s ever ready) is worth the heartache and uncertainty, then dig those romantic heels in and watch some Nora Ephron movies, bub.
Waiting doesn’t mean you’re pathetic or desperate, it means you’ve met someone you think is worth the risk and time required and are willing to see what happens. You can date plenty of other people while you’re waiting, and still keep a spot in your heart for Georgia. Maybe you’ll meet someone new who’s awesome and fun and smells like strawberries, or maybe you won’t. Either way you’re living your life and keeping your options open.
If what you really want is a substantial relationship, and Georgia just happens to be your best candidate, then I’d try to stitch up your heart as best you can and find another state to love.
There’s nothing wrong with craving commitment. The whole point of this weird little life is to throw as much love and kindness as you can into the air and watch it rain down from the sky like dandelion fluff.
It’s rare to find someone that you connect with on the level that you’re describing, someone who feels like the grass against your bare feet and rain on your skin and unexpected free chocolate on a bad day. And believe me when I say I understand the raw-knuckled, clench-jawed, sweaty-brow determination to make it work. A special love, a love worth having, is never easy or convenient, it’s hard and messy and covered with stains. But to make it work, both people have to be willing to get in the dirt. Both people have to try. And right now, Georgia doesn’t want to.
Whatever you decide, Georgia or bust, I don’t think that the current arrangement of sex and somewhat-friendship without commitment is fair to you if you’re still in love and seeking something with a label. She’s getting all the good stuff without the responsibility and it’s going to run you ragged if you keep waiting for the day she’ll change her mind while sleeping in her bed and rubbing her back.
She’s decided, that right now, despite how she feels about you, she doesn’t want a relationship. Now, it’s up to you to decide, despite how you feel for her, what’s best for your heart and your happiness moving forward.
There’s no wrong choice. At the end of the day it’s about whether or not you want to wait and see what happens, or move forward with faith that there’s something more solid and sweet around the corner. Just be honest and kind and do the best that you can.
Marti
Want to ask Marti a question? She’d LOVE to hear from you! Drop her a line at MaybeMartiKnows@gmail.com and your question could be featured! New column every Thursday, identities always anonymous ❤
